


Penance

by remiparker



Category: Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, Fix-it fic, Jay Halstead Whump, Speculation, Worried Hailey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21974395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remiparker/pseuds/remiparker
Summary: What happened after Jay was shot? This is my take on 7x09 and 7x10 (a "fix-it fic" because there was so much missing).
Comments: 47
Kudos: 122





	1. Absolution

**Author's Note:**

> I know this has been done already, but I haven't read the One Chicago fandom in a couple of years or so, though I still follow the shows. After the PD winter finale, I couldn't help but let my muse wonder a bit as to Halstead's fate. Then this happened after I watched 7x09 about three times, so here's my take on the following events. Oh and Upstead, I guess, if you squint.

It was the gunshot that made her world stop spinning. The sudden, suffocating, silence froze her heart. Only a second passed before that silence was broken by Hailey screaming his name. And the world sped up.

"Jay," Hailey called out as she drew her weapon. Silence met her. "JAY!"

Having enough presence of mind to make sure the guy Jay just took down wasn't going anywhere, Hailey descended the stone steps with her weapon raised. With the sound of reality flowing back into her ears, she slowed as she rounded the corner. First she saw another man, Angela and-

"Jay! 5021 Henry, officer down, I repeat officer down! Get me a bus here, now!" she said as she quickly cleared the room. Hailey checked the bad guy, noted he was unconscious, before she walked over and kicked the weapon away from Angela's still hand. Upton could see the rise and fall of the other woman's chest, could hear her wheezing breath between parted lips. She mumbled something at Hailey, but the detective couldn't understand her.

"Jay? Jay, talk to me, man, c'mon." Haily pressed against the bullet wound on his chest, tried to get Jay to focus his unswollen eye on her as blood bubbled between her fingers. "Look at me, Jay, c'mon. C'mon! Jay!"

Halstead could only gasp in response, but those forced breaths were fading.

"Hailey?"

Hailey's head snapped up in the direction of Adam's voice. "Down here!" she yelled. "You hear that, Jay? Helps coming, just hang on. Stay with me, stay with me. You're gonna be fine, okay?"

"Hai-ohmygod! Medics, over here! Right now, let's go!" said Adam as he entered the room with Voight and Atwater right on his heels.

"Hailey, let them work." said Voight.

"I can't-there's so much blood from his head and his chest." Hailey stammered as two medics rushed in and began working on her partner. "I couldn't-"

Jay's blood felt like a weighted blanket on her hands as she applied pressure to his chest. She honed in on the puddle that formed beneath his head, then to the one under his left shoulder. Did the bullet go through? Should she have checked that when she got to him?

"Detective, I need you to let go, now." the medic to her right said. "I need to pack his wound."

"No I-I can't there's too much blood he'll bleed out if I move-" Hailey said quickly, shaking her head.

"I've got him." the medic reassured.

"Hailey, let the medics work." someone said behind her. Upton wasn't sure who said the words, didn't know who helped her stand up and out of the way.

But she did.

* * *

What happened after was a blur. She knew she followed him alongside the gurney as he was wheeled out of the warehouse, and as she rode in the ambulance to Med. Hailey even realized she tried to follow the doctors into the OR before Maggie stopped her from getting more than two steps into the ED.

That's when her world started to slow down.

"We've got him, Hailey," the nurse reassured.

"I have to go with him," Hailey said as she tried to push past the other woman. "I need to be there, Maggie. I need-"

"You know I can't let you back there. He's in good hands."

Hailey stared blankly at the other woman, not able to process the words spoken. Jay had a bullet in his chest. What vital organs did it hit? Was he going to bleed out before they got him on the table? Would she ever see her partner alive again?

"Ohmygod," Hailey mumbled into her sleeve as tears welled in her bloodshot eyes. "Will-"

"Voight called ahead. We told him before you all arrived," Maggie said as she placed a comforting had on the detective's shoulder. "Let's get you cleaned up, maybe into a pair of scrubs."

At that suggestion, Upton shook her head and pushed herself away from Maggie. She wasn't going to risk missing any news about Jay. She just couldn't. Even if the blood was already drying, staining her skin and clothes.

"I can't, Maggie. What if something happens and I'm not-" her voice catches in her throat. "I can't."

"Okay," said Maggie in a soft voice. Though she didn't know Upton as well as some of the rest of Intelligence, it was obvious she and Halstead were close. "Here are some wipes. We'll keep you updated on everything along the way. Okay?"

Hailey took the offered box of wipes and forced herself to look at Maggie. With a deep breath, she said, "Thank you." and headed for the waiting room.

* * *

Time was an illusion.

At first, she sat in the waiting room alone. Then the rest of Intelligence arrived. Followed by what had to be a good portion of the department. People stopped by the chair she occupied, spoke words she didn't hear. Nodding seemed to be the best response the first few times but then that grew old and she simply ignored anyone else who tried to comfort her.

Rojas gave her a coffee, but she didn't have the strength to bring the cup to her lips. Hailey sat the drink on the ground, folded her hands over themselves repeatedly. The wipes Maggie gave her left them a pale pink color, but that easily could have been due to the fact that she couldn't help but clench and unclench them. Over. And over. And over.

Eventually, Will arrived and gave them an update about how Marcel was still trying to fix the damage to an artery. How Jay lost a lot of blood. Hailey was hurting, not knowing if her partner was going to survive, but looking at Will, Jay's own brother, made everything hurt even more.

Upton saw Voight and Burgess leave after the update, but she didn't care much to know where they went. No one saw Will leave. Hailey found her way back to her chair.

By now, hours had passed since Will gave them the latest update on Jay about the artery and blood loss. No one had come since. There was a saying that "no news is good news", but Upton couldn't convince herself to have hope. Not now. Her mind went to the worst possible reason as to why Dr. Marcel, or even Will, had yet to come back and it stayed in that gutter. Maybe they couldn't bring themselves to speak the news because that would make it all too real.

Maybe she'll never see Jay alive again.

Maybe the last thing she told him-the last thing he heard her say-turned out to be a lie.

Maybe the last image she'll ever have of him is of his corpse. Cold, unmoving. Dead.

Maybe.


	2. Mercy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I've arrived at the bridge. There was a lot left to be desired... so here's another chapter. And I totally made things worse. I don't wanna say more "realistic" because I can't really describe what I've not experienced... so, yeah. Just worse.
> 
> A few things you'll need to know. This chapter takes place over the course of a day. Hailey does not leave the hospital to help with the case. I'm guessing what Jay's other injuries were based on research and watching 7x09 too many times. Beyond Google and CPR certification, I don't really have proper medical knowledge. All mistakes are my own.

Waiting was the worst part.

Knowing that Jay was still in surgery, knowing he lost a lot of blood, knowing that he was fighting for his life… it was enough to drive Hailey mad on the inside. It had been hours and it wasn't getting any better.

On the outside, she was fairly cool, fairly calm and fairly collected. She kept to herself still, stared at the clock as time continued to tick by. Waited. But on the inside, she was freaking out. Far from being a doctor, Hailey couldn't help but worry over the injuries she knew about. And the ones she didn't see?

"Hailey?"

At the sound of her name, Upton stopped bouncing her leg. Spotting Will in front of her, she sat up straight, prepared to stand, before Will placed a hand on her shoulder which stopped her in her tracks.

"You should probably-" Will said, stopping short.

This is when Hailey noticed Dr. Halstead's red, puffy eyes. The way he bit his lower lip as he took a seat next to her. The way he avoided looking at her as he composed himself. The way he ran his hands over his pants five times before stopping. Hailey was Jay's partner, but Will was his brother.

It was all too much.

"Is… is he…?"

"The bleeding in his artery is mostly under control now, but new problems… they just kept popping up," said Will. "His head wound was deemed secondary to the pneumothorax and bleed in his chest and Dr. Marcel put that on hold. A rookie choice. It was a _stupid_ choice and he should've-" Will stopped again, composed himself. "Jay, he… he crashed."

Tears welled in Upton's eyes. She prepared herself for the inevitable news.

"They lost him for about 45 seconds before they got him back, but," Will took a steady breath as he forced himself to look at Jay's partner. "turns out he has an epidural hematoma - bleeding between the brain and the skull," he pointed to the area of his head, showing Hailey where the injury to Jay's head was. "That's… that's all I know right now."

Hailey, somehow, found the strength to nod. She took the news in, wiped the tears from her eyes, and turned toward Will. "Is he gonna be okay?"

Over the years as an ED doctor, Will has had to tell family members, work partners, even good Samaritans tough news. It never got easier, but he managed. One would think that facing a detective's partner would be a walk in the park. Maybe that would be true, if it wasn't his brother's partner.

Will couldn't lie to her.

He couldn't even lie to himself.

"I don't know, Hailey. I just... don't know."

* * *

Time continued to tick by.

Hailey sent a short update to the team, walked one lap around the waiting room to keep her legs from falling asleep, changed into the clothes Rojas brought her… but that was it. She couldn't look at the food, let alone eat it. Was she hungry? Probably. The detective couldn't tell if the pain in her stomach was due to hunger or anxiety.

The day dragged on and on and on.

There were no more updates.

The team informed Hailey a while ago of the case they caught, and offered updates on that as the day dragged on. It was a decent distraction, but it did little to stop her worry in the long run. Eventually, the waiting room cleared out as a few officers went back to their regular patrol while the rest stayed to watch over the woman responsible for this predicament in the first place.

Hailey had just closed her eyes for a few seconds when a noise brought her back.

"Detective Upton?"

Through groggy eyes, Hailey saw Dr. Charles standing in front of her.

"Dr. Charles, hi," she said as she sat back up. Upton rolled her shoulders and pulled the sleeves of the red hoodie down over her hands. "What are you doing down here?"

"I just wanted to see how you were doing," he said. "I heard about Jay, but I've been swamped. I'm so sorry."

Hailey smiled. A genuine smile. She didn't know Dr. Charles very well, but she appreciated him checking up on her. "Yeah, thanks. Thank you."

Dr. Charles took a seat next to Hailey. "Do you need anything? Some water? A granola bar?" he gestured toward the sack of cold food on the floor.

"No, no, I'm okay." Hailey said. But before she knew it, tears were welling in her eyes again. And she didn't have the strength to stop them from spilling from her eyes and down her face. "I'm sorry, I just-"

"You have no reason to be sorry," Dr. Charles said as he offered the woman a tissue. "This is a tough time for you. You don't need to be sorry for how you're feeling right now."

Hailey nodded again, not trusting herself to speak without her voice cracking. So, Dr. Charles sat there while Hailey cried. He didn't say a word, didn't try to explain things to her psychologically. He was just there as a friend because that was just what Hailey needed.

* * *

Dr. Charles left a couple of hours ago. Evening was approaching, if the fading light in the ED waiting room was any indicator.

Hailey tried to sleep. Tried to keep her mind busy while she waited and waited and waited but nothing held up to the challenge. But as her mind wandered, she couldn't help and think about what Rojas said.

_It's hard because you love him._

There was a lot of truth in what Vanessa said, in more ways than one. Hailey tried to convince herself that it wasn't what it appeared to be, but she knew, deep down, the truth.

And now she may never get a chance to tell him.

"Hailey?"

Again, like déjà vu, the sound of her name brought Upton back to reality. And just like before, it was Will standing not too far off.

Hailey couldn't stand up fast enough.

She had to know.

Was this it?

"He crashed a second time, as they were working on releasing the pressure in his brain," Will said. This time, he didn't sit down. "It was longer… pushing two minutes," Will's voice broke. Hailey could barely stand. "But, they uh, they got him back and, uh, he's… he's..."

"Will?"

"Jay's… he's in a coma."

* * *

It took some time, far too long, really, but after Jay was settled into a room in the ICU, Hailey was finally allowed to see him.

In the time she spent waiting for that moment, Upton updated the team, threw the untouched food away, and listened to Dr. Marcel and Will break down Jay's injuries.

_GSW._

_Arterial bleed._

_Pneumothorax._

_Epidural hematoma._

_Cracked ribs._

_Contusions._

Hailey was sure there was more, but she tuned the men out after the word _Coma_.

Now she stood beyond the threshold of Jay's ICU room, peering in from the outside, steeling herself for what awaited her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking there'll be another chapter...


	3. Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all… this was supposed to be a speculative one-shot. But I'm so *REDACTED* as to the direction they took 7x10… I mean, no one mentioned Jay's head wound? He didn't even have a bandage around his head, no one said if he had a concussion, his speech and memory were in tact… do you remember how much blood pooled under his head after he was knocked out? And the amount of blood that stained like the entire right side of his shirt and neck? I know head wounds bleed a lot but...ugh, I digress. For now.
> 
> As always, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and leaving kind words. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Here's what you need to know: This is a long chapter. I tried to write it so it would feel more like a Med episode (as if Jay were brought into the hospital during the Med hour), so I hope it reads as such. This takes place over the same time period as the previous chapter, just written from Will's POV. And because I was robbed of the brotherly moments I desperately desire, I didn't stop my muse as she went overboard with what should've happened. Warnings for panic attacks and varying descriptions of injuries (there's a lot of blood in this chapter), and medical inaccuracies.

Will Halstead's day changed dramatically over the course of thirty-five seconds.

It wasn't like in the movies, where the world stopped for a moment, where the main character put the pieces together as to what was happening, all before the world slowly gained speed again. No, for Will, it happened like any other day in the ED.

Except it wasn't like any other day in the ED.

He just finished a set of rounds and had walked into the locker room right as Maggie called for Marcel to take this next patient that was being rolled in. Were they being brought in a bit faster than normal? Maybe. Will couldn't tell for sure. They went straight to Baghdad, which was not surprising. Many of the calls that were wheeled through Med's door were critical, and required urgent care. What was slightly surprising were the red and blue lights that illuminated a stream of police officers as they huddled in the waiting room. How Maggie prevented a blonde woman in a green jacket from following the gurney.

Will had, unfortunately, seen his fair share of first responders come through those very doors. He often hoped that he'd never see his brother wheeled in, whether fighting the medics or lifeless, for as long as he lived and practiced medicine. If only he hoped harder.

The Halstead brothers lost their dad more than a year ago. Jay took a bullet not long after, but adamantly refused a trip to the hospital. That, Will could deal with. He stitched Jay's side, informed him how to care for and clean the wound as it healed. Explained to his brother how sore his chest would be where the other bullets struck his vest. That, Will could handle.

He couldn't handle losing his brother, too.

"Male, 35, GSW to his upper chest and blunt force trauma to the back of his head," Will heard a medic say as he left the locker room. He walked over to the computers to look over lab results for his next patient, when someone else added, "He's with Intelligence."

"Will,"

Will stopped what he was doing, turned and looked over his shoulder right as the gurney was pushed past him. He heard his name, saw Maggie speed-walking toward him, but he was quicker and in Baghdad before she could reach him, let alone stop him.

"Will, stop!"

"We gotta get this bleeding under control or he's not going to make it to the OR," Marcel said. "Grab suction, towels - grab _everything_. What're his stats?"

Someone read off a series of numbers. Will's stomach dropped a little.

"Looks like he's holding steady for now, but they've been dropping since the ride over,"

"Shit, his lung sounds are diminished. Bag him," said Marcel. "And send any and all of the O-negative blood up to the OR."

Will stepped into the fray, not sure what he'd find. He hoped it was Atwater, or Ruzek, hell even Voight. And he knew that was an awful thing to think. But he didn't want to consider _any_ possibility that it could be Jay, even if the evidence was currently bleeding out in front of him.

Once he saw past the blood and injuries, Will recognize his brother and rushed forward when the image finally registered. "Jay-"

"Dr. Halstead, you need to leave. Right now," said Marcel, not even bothering to look up as he tried to stop the blood that continued to bubble from the hole in Jay's chest. Blood already stained the front of Marcel's scrubs, dripped onto the floor at his feet. "Out, Will!"

"No, I can help," Will continued to press in, tried to get a clear look at Jay. There was so much blood. Too much. And Jay was so pale. He watched as someone intubated his brother, as others packed his wounds. "I can help. He's my brother, I gotta-"

"That is exactly why you will _not_ help," Marcel said, looking Will dead in his eyes for a split second. "Someone get Dr. Halstead out of here!"

"No, I need to be here-"

Two sets of hands grabbed him on either side, while a nurse gently pushed him back out of the room. Maggie then stepped in front of him for good measure, as Marcel and the team wheeled Jay to the waiting OR, while a trail of blood marked the path they took.

* * *

Will was on autopilot.

Two of Med's security guards and Maggie managed to keep Will in the ED for a couple of minutes. They hoped to give Marcel plenty of time to get Jay on the table, but also prevent Will from getting in the way. At least, that was the plan.

That plan wasn't going very well.

It only took two minutes, but Maggie knew that she couldn't force Will to stay in the ED, where she could keep an eye on him, while Jay's life hung by a thin thread. So, instead of trying, she tasked Grace, a tall, dark-skinned woman with a pixie cut, to follow Will wherever he went in the hospital. Within reason, Maggie told her.

Thirteen minutes after Jay was brought into Med, Will found himself standing outside the OR, peering through the glass. He desperately wanted to be in there, but he knew his state of mind would only put Jay's life in more danger. And he just couldn't do that to his brother.

He watched Marcel with dry, bloodshot eyes. Snot ran down his nose. He watched how the doctor worked on his brother, understood what was happening, but at the same time, he didn't understand. Will didn't know how long he stood there, looking in, before a nurse stepped out and gave him an update.

"They're still trying to get the bleeding under control," And just like that, the nurse was gone.

Will walked down to the ED waiting room, worked up the strength to inform Jay's team of the latest update. That's when he noticed the blonde woman in the green jacket, the one Maggie stopped earlier. She was Jay's partner, Hailey. This had to be hard for her, he thought. But it was hard for him, too.

And when Voight asked if Jay was going to be okay? That's when it struck Will as to how hard it actually was. For all of them. To varying degrees, they were all suffering through the waiting game. The unknown.

But some had it worse than others.

* * *

He didn't bother keeping track of time.

When he wasn't watching Jay's surgery, he was pacing the halls just outside the OR. He counted his steps, worked on slowing his heart rate and his breathing. Will tried to not think of Jay's situation as a doctor, tried to forget the stats he heard in Baghdad. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't forget the sight of how much blood Jay lost.

So, Will tried to be a brother. A worried brother who just wanted the only family he had left to pull through. And he was failing at even that.

He managed, for a very short while. The dam broke when chaos ran through the OR. Will had been leaning against a wall opposite of the operating room when he saw the all too familiar sight. And when he walked up to the glass?

Will couldn't hear what was being said. Or maybe he could, but his brain wasn't actually registering what his eyes were seeing and translating that into sound. A series of flatlines. Doctors and nurses all but frantically rushing about the OR. Someone was doing chest compressions, another was preparing a syringe. And there was still a lot of blood on the floor. More than in the ED when Jay first arrived?

Will was seeing red, in more ways than one.

The next thing Will knew, he was sitting on the ground, one leg folded beneath him. His head was held in one hand, the other on the wall. He couldn't breathe, he gasped for air as his vision darkened. It was too much to face.

As he struggled to take his next breath, something was placed between his hands. Without opening his eyes, he gripped the item. When his brain finally caught up with his body, he placed the small sack over his mouth. Will breathed in, and out. In and out. He kept his eyes closed, but by now he could hear the sound of the flatlines blaring behind him, screaming at him through the walls. Or maybe it was his imagination, which made it seem worse.

_Breathe in._

_Breathe out._

This worked for awhile. The alarms stopped, timed ticked on again. Will sat there on the ground, frozen in place, the paper sack tossed aside. He couldn't move, even if he wanted to. He's pretty sure his leg fell asleep.

_Breathe in._

He didn't know how long it had been since Jay flatlined. Will thought, just for a moment, that his brother was in the clear. Hope worked its way into Will's chest, as he heard Marcel say they were close to being done. Maybe things were looking up and Jay would be fine.

That's when the alarms started again. And Will forgot how to breathe.

It went on longer this time. Too long. And when the alarms finally stopped the second time, Will couldn't help but think the worst. It was too quiet. Hope was replaced with dread. So, he sat there, and waited. Waited for the news that would destroy his world.

"Dr. Halstead?"

Will looked up, but the image was blurry. He wiped his face, pulled himself to his feet. Dr. Marcel was standing across from him.

"He's alive,"

That's all Will needed to hear. He let out a shaky breath, gripped the wall in an effort to remain on his feet. He heard everything Marcel said about the complications that occurred during Jay's surgery, listened to his brother's prognosis and the next steps. He heard Marcel tell him that Jay was in a coma. And if Will were to be honest, he'd say it all went in one ear and out the other.

Jay was alive. That's all Will needed to know. That's the only thing that mattered.

Now he had to make sure it stayed that way.

* * *

It was selfish, he thought, as he walked the halls that led to the ICU. Being able to take advantage of his employment status, being able to go places where others, like police detectives, couldn't. Will felt bad, but only for a moment. He had to see Jay for himself, with his own eyes, before he gave Intelligence the latest update. They could wait a little while longer.

He had to know _now_.

When Will walked into Jay's room, everything felt… wrong. The machines hummed and beeped, the overall setup, being close to the nurses station, even the way the lights were dimmed just enough… but it was all correct. But the person lying in the bed made the whole scene tilt all the wrong ways.

It was enough to make his world stop. Again.

Funny how that happened sometimes.

Jay was pale, nearly the same color as the too white standard bedding he lay between. The cuts and bruises on his face stood out greatly, purple and black in color. The way his eye was still swollen shut, even after… hell, Will didn't even know how long it'd been. The cut on his lower lip and bruises around his wrists from where he was bound had been cleaned, the latter bandaged. The gunshot wound in Jay's chest was covered with thick bandages that Will could see, even with the hospital gown. Dots of blood worked their way through the thick gauze, stained the thin fabric. It was nearly time to changed his bandages. Then there was the fact that they had to intubate him. A machine pumped air into his injured lungs. Jay was hooked up to a lot of machines.

Could this get any worse?

Yes.

Unable to remain on his feet after looking at Jay's bandaged head, Will had to take a seat in a nearby chair. The sight of the pile of bandages nearly brought the doctors to his knees. Tears welled in his eyes and when Will didn't try to stop them, they rolled down his face and landed on the floor as he hung his head.

_Breathe in._

Will tried not to think about the process, tried to not think about how they would have had to use a burr hole to release the pressure and bleeding in Jay's brain. Traumatic brain injuries were… tricky. Unpredictable. There was no telling if Jay would make a full recovery, or if he'd just be a shell of a man they all knew.

_Breathe out._

Jay could still die.

Just breathe.

Marcel told Will that he wanted to place Jay in a coma as the detective's lungs and brain needed time to heal, but he ultimately decided to wait a few hours to see if Jay would make any progress before that happened. However, Jay slipped into a coma not long after the surgery due to the trauma his body endured.

Up until that moment, Will had only let a tear or two run down his cheeks, but nothing more. He wanted to, needed to, be strong. For himself. For Jay. For Intelligence. But even after all of that, he realized that he couldn't keep it up any longer.

And that was the moment Will allowed himself to cry harder.

Will took a few more minutes to compose himself before he headed back down to the waiting room. He wasn't sure what he'd say, or how he'd say it. Frankly, he doubted he could even get the words out before it all became too much and he broke down. So, he asked Marcel to help give the news to Hailey and once that was done, he'd figure out what the next step would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has anyone seen the sneak peeks for 7x11? I feel some sort of way about that so I guess now is a good time to mention that I am turning this into a full story. I'm stretching this out as long as I can, covering things that were skipped over, so I may deviate from the following episodes accordingly. But we'll jump off that bridge when we get there. With school starting back updates will be slow, but I have a good idea as to where I want to take this.


	4. Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two week spring break due to 'you know what' means I get to de-stress by writing fanfiction. (as one could guess I'm still not over this story line.) But since we're getting three more seasons of One Chicago, I can still be stupidly hopeful that I'll get a proper Jay centric arc when he actually deals with all of his PTS. And maybe a proper Halstead Brother's crossover, too? Hope y'all enjoy this update. :)

This was her fault. And there was no other way to look at it.

After the doctors gave her the rundown regarding Jay's current status, Hailey followed Will to her partner's ICU room. She managed to send something that resembled a coherent message to the team, then turned her attention back to Jay, that one word still floated around her mind.

Coma.

Even as she was led toward Jay, she couldn't convince herself what Will and Dr. Marcel told her was actually true. Hailey couldn't believe it. Maybe she didn't want to believe it.

Jay had to be okay because he was always okay. He walked away from getting shot last year and he's told her about a few other times when he's been hurt on the job. And as a war vet? Through all of that shit Jay Halstead has endured, he was still okay.

He couldn't not be okay.

The walk from the waiting room, up to the ICU wasn't long by any means. It went by fairly fast, but to Hailey, time once again moved at a slow pace. She knew when she put one foot in front of the other, knew when she stopped to ride the elevator to the ICU floor. During this time, she shoved her hands into the pockets of her hoodie in a feeble effort to keep herself from wringing them over and over.

To her surprise and annoyance, Will stopped Hailey a few rooms away from Jay's room. He took a slow, steady breath, tried to do what he could to prepare her for what awaited. Hailey once again listened as the doctor mentioned how Jay's body had endured a lot, which is a likely reason as to why he slipped into a coma. What he also told Hailey, now that Dr. Marcel was not looking over his shoulder, was that while Jay was in a coma, there was a very small chance that he could hear her. Even with his brain injury.

Hailey didn't know what to do with that information.

Now she stood just outside Jay's room. Will left what had to be just a few minutes ago, giving her time to spend with Jay alone. She appreciated that, and assumed it was because the doctor already sat with his brother. But now that she stood mere feet from the man she was sure she'd never see again, Hailey couldn't bring herself to set foot into his room.

Guilt filled her chest as she thought back to how they got to this point and she didn't even try to stop it.

She told Jay to let the Marcus West thing go, to forget about Angela and Bobby. To move on. Nothing good could come from lying to your partner and Hailey knew this. So when she cornered Jay, told him to take a step back, she believed him when he said okay.

That was her first mistake.

Then Hailey let Jay go when he got a message from Angela, didn't even try to stop him. She told Voight that her partner just had something he needed to work through, rather than come clean to their boss. Hailey knew it wasn't her info to tell, but she couldn't help but think how they wouldn't even be in this mess if she'd just talked to Hank. Maybe he could have stopped Halstead before things went too far.

That was her second mistake.

When Intelligence finally found Jay, when she worked her way into the building, when she crouched down by Jay, looked past the blood that caked the side of his head and the bruises that circled his wrists and asked if he was okay, that was when Hailey thought they were in the clear. They would get Jay to Med, get him checked out, and all would go back to 'normal', whatever the hell that is.

Then Jay insisted on helping Angela, who was still trapped in the basement. But when Hailey heard the gunshot crack through the air, after she ran down the stone steps and saw her partner bleeding out at her feet, struggling to breathe, dying…

That was her third mistake.

Now Hailey stood frozen in fear and failure. Looking at the man who just wanted to do the right thing, no matter how hard or harmful it was to him. She needed him to pull through, because she didn't think she could live with herself if Jay died because of her mistakes.

Not wanting to miss her chance at… whatever this was, Hailey placed one foot in front of the other, slowly stepped into Jay's ICU room, and took a seat by his side. She didn't want to think about this being the end, but knowing the battle Jay faced, she knew how strong that possibility actually was.

There wouldn't be a fourth mistake.

#

The first hour or two, Hailey could only sit in the lone chair that occupied the ICU room. She bounced from starting at all of the machines Jay was hooked up to, to the lights that were dim, to the cracked curtain that looked like a door. Or was it the other way around?

Everything blurred together for the detective and she tried to keep it in a straight line. She tried to focus on everything but the still person in the bed opposite of her position made that rather difficult.

She was aware of the doctors and nurses and cleaning staff who occasionally stepped in, but for the most part, Hailey was left alone with Jay. She was glad and thankful for this. Unsure if she could stand to make small talk, she remained with her thoughts late into the night. For the most part, they kept her awake, but when her body finally won the battle against her mind, Upton's head lulled to the side against her shoulder and she drifted into a dreamless sleep.

The scream of bells and alarms and machines reached her ears and jolted Hailey awake. When her eyes opened, she saw Jay was surrounded by four or forty people wearing scrubs, and through the crack between two people in front of her, she could see her partner's body jerking violently.

Before Hailey could make a sound, two hands gripped her by her shoulders and all but carried her out of Jay's room. She tried to push herself free, but there was no escaping the hold the person had on her.

"Let them work, Hailey." they said, but Upton couldn't focus enough to make out who it was.

She watched as the team of doctors and nurses continued to work on Jay. One was doing CPR, while another was prepping a machine Hailey couldn't see. Others milled about the room, yelling medical jargon the detective couldn't even begin to translate. The room slowed until one by one, the people left.

"I gotta take him back into surgery," said Marcel. "That's… I'm sorry."

Right as those words left the doctor's mouth, Jay was wheeled past Hailey and steered toward the elevator. The tube was still down his throat, but instead of a machine pumping oxygen into his lungs, a nurse squeezed and released a bag. His bruises appeared to be darder, and the gauze that covered his chest and head was speckled with blood.

Her hand came up to her mouth right as Hailey blinked the welling tears away. For one moment, Jay was standing next to her, smiling, completely fine. When Hailey blinked again, he was gone.

This was the moment she noticed the grip on her arms had lessened, so Hailey brushed the person off and headed in the direction of the restroom. Or the breakroom. Any place she could find.

"Hailey?"

Upton turns around, sees a disheveled Will standing a few feet away, eyes just as red and puffy as her own probably were. Instead of waiting for the doctor to say something, she lowered her head and walked away.

And that's the moment Hailey lost it.

#

Hailey didn't bother keeping track of time. To keep from going crazy while Jay was in surgery, she pulled at a loose string on her pants and traced her fingers on the tile she sat on. An empty cup rested to her left side, but she didn't remember if she got a drink herself or if Will brought it for her. She wasn't even sure if she drank any or if she spilled it. Her eyes eventually find a pile of paper towels that sat on the floor in front of a trash can, wordlessly explaining what she couldn't remember.

"Hailey?"

Upton wiped her eyes and looked up at Will, who stood just outside the doctor's breakroom. "Is he-"

"He made it through surgery. His breathing improved, they took him off the vent." said Will.

"Okay." said Hailey. She wiped her eyes and her nose, but made no move to get up from the floor.

For a long minute, neither person said a word. The weight of the changing situation was a lot to digest, even with the strength of friends. Eventually, Will broke the silence. "They want to keep him under intense observation for a few hours in post. You should go home."

"No, I'm good. I'm going to stay with him, you know he'll freak out once he realizes where he's at." said Hailey as she finally pulled herself to her feet.

"Hailey," began Will. "He's not allowed visitors right now. Go home. I'll update you as soon as I hear anything."

Upton didn't have the strength to fight Will. Disappointed and frustrated, she heads for the elevators and takes them down to the ground floor. But she didn't go home. She couldn't. Not yet.

Instead, she pulled her hand up into her sleeves, drew the hood up and sat on a bench near the front doors and waited.


	5. Atonement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, all. Apologies for taking so long to get this to you. Sometimes, when life knocks you down, you literally don't want to do anything. Writing is my passion, and I couldn't even do that. I hit a wall pretty hard and am just now working on getting back on my feet but I know others have it worse than me, so I really can't complain. I've turned to the stories in multiple fandoms to help me and from the bottom of my heart I thank those who write them. And if, somehow, my story does the same for someone out there, I hope this helps.
> 
> Warnings: mentions/descriptions of blood, nothing more than what you'd see on the show. I've also taken creative liberties with Jay's Ranger days, too. Even after seven season, he's such a blank slate, and I wanted to fill in some of those blanks for this story.
> 
> Please enjoy and stay safe.

_"It's okay."_

Jay knew the risks of telling Angela he was a cop. He knew what could happen to him, to Intelligence, once Angela found out the truth. But he also knew he couldn't live with himself if he kept that truth locked up. So when the woman he'd been helping found out he was the reason why her husband was dead, when she learned that a cop was the reason why her little Bobby would grow up without a father, he was prepared to face the consequences.

Baa-bump.

Hailey arrived after he stabbed the second man holding him and Angela hostage. He heard his partner ask if he was okay. And after all that's happened, he couldn't look her in her eyes.

_"I've got to go help Angela,"_ he'd told Hailey. That was the truth. He couldn't leave her like that.

Even with his mistakes, his sins, hanging over his head, Jay knew helping Angela was the right thing to do. He told the woman she didn't deserve to die, even after she told the cop he did. His own injuries be damned, he pushed through the pounding pain in his head, he walked uneasily down the stone steps with the aid of the railing, and stepped back into the room he'd been held prisoner in for God knows how long.

Ba-bump.

Part of him was expecting Angela to be mad at him when he went back. Part of him was expecting her to have passed out from blood loss. Because of this, Jay was not expecting to see the woman pointing a gun at his chest, weak and feeble she may have been. He didn't even have time to question how she got her hands on the weapon.

Ba-bump.

_"You're safe,"_

The men responsible were either dead or in custody. Medical care was minutes away. Angela lowered the gun, the tip of it rested on the ground.

Baa-bump.

_"It's over."_

And it was. But at the same time it wasn't. It was far from being over. Some would say, it was just beginning.

Ba… bump...

Angela had paused, just for a second. And in that second, Jay believed that things would finally be okay.

Ba...

Then she raised the gun and pulled the trigger.

...bump.

This wasn't the first time Jay had been shot. He, unfortunately, was very familiar with the feeling. He recognized the sensation of being forced backward. He felt it all.

The bullet hitting his chest. Him hitting the wall. Falling to the ground. He felt his heart speed up, all the while that _babump babump babump_ echoed in his ears like a train. Jay painfully gasped for air, fought for his next breath as if it were his last. Because it could very well be.

His eyes drifted shut. When he had the strength to open them, all he could see was a desert. The sun was shining high above him, heating up the sand covered ground he stood on. There was a breeze. It brushed his dry, cracked skin, teased him. And just as quickly as it had arrived, it was gone.

Next thing he knew, he was flat on his back, gasping for air. There was chaos around him, dust was kicked up, and without warning he was being pulled backward. Only after the shade covered him, and after a pair of hands none too gently worked their way across his body, did the air finally return to his lungs.

"You're good, Hal. You're alright," a shadow leaned over him and a familiar voice spoke. Jay found himself reaching out toward the person… just to make sure they were real. "It's just in your plate."

"JT-" was all he could get out before the figure was gone and darkness washed over him.

When Jay opened his eyes, the sun was gone. The dry desert air, too. Both were replaced with a dark and damp room. And the shadow person?

_"10-1! 10-1, officer down!"_ someone yelled. They sounded familiar, but so far away. _"Jay! 5021 Henry, officer down, I repeat officer down! Get me a bus here, now!"_

_Hailey?_ Jay wanted to speak, but all that came out of his mouth was a pained gasp that reverberated throughout his body. It slowed, and so did his breathing.

_"Jay, stay with me. Stay with me, Jay."_

Everything that happened was fuzzy. Every time he blinked, the scene before him changed. A paramedic slipped a mask over his mouth and nose. Jay saw Voight, felt the weightlessness of being picked up and placed on a gurney. Kim was there at one point. And Hailey never left his side.

Then he was out in the open.

The dry air returned. This time, he was kneeling over someone, his hands pressed to their chest, their side. Something wet and sticky pooled between his fingers and around his hands, the smell of copper strong. He felt the wind on his back, heard the shouts of gunfire and men yelling. He knew something was happening around him, but he couldn't turn away.

"JT, hang on, okay? Just hang on, help is coming," Jay said. He fumbled for more gauze, pressed his hands against the shadow's body. They screamed. "Hang on."

"Hal?" The voice was soft, broken. Jay would say the shadow was a child, if he didn't know better. But he did.

"I'm right here, JT. I'm right here,"

"Jay… Jay, I'm-"

"No. No no no, Tyler. Don't talk. Don't-" A bullet whizzed by his head. Jay ducked down. When he saw the combatant running toward his location, he raised his weapon and fired two shots center mass. The enemy fell, dead.

"JT?" Jay asked, looking down. He pressed his hands back against the wounds, attempting to stop the bleeding. "Jasmine Tyler Park, you keep your eyes open. You hear me? Keep them on me."

_You're not my CO._ Jay would later swear he heard the words as if Jasmine actually spoke them. In all of the time that he's spent in country, few people understood Jay the way JT did. She wasn't even a Ranger. But they became close and he'd want her watching his six any day.

Which is exactly what made this moment much worse.

Jay will never forget the moment he realized what he had done, even if killing the enemy saved their lives at that moment. The truth was, those two seconds may have cost him another friend. Soon, the shadows faded away right as the night was lit up by headlights from multiple humvees. Soldiers charged into the battlefield, but all he could see was his friend, dying.

There was the puddle of blood he knelt in. Jay felt it as it soaked his pants and stained his legs. He knew it also stained his shirt and gear from him dragging her behind cover. It caked his hands. Blood trickled out of JT's parted mouth. He was sure she died right there, and he was sure it was his fault.

_"His vitals are still dropping."_

"We've got her," someone said as they pulled him away. "We've got her."

_"He's lost too much blood."_

The image of JT being worked on is replaced by Hailey leaning over him. The dark desert is replaced with the ceiling of an ambulance. The pain has returned, but has lessened ever so slightly. Through cracked eyes, Jay can see his partner's worried face looking down at him. He wants to tell her he's sorry. That he screwed up. But he can't.

#

Jay must've blacked out because the next time he opened his eyes, the ambulance had been replaced with Med. He had a fleeting thought, that Will was going to be pissed at him, and then darkness threatened to take hold again.

The last year was hard for the Halstead brothers. After the apartment fire killed their father, Jay had spiraled. Intelligence kept him under control for the most part, but once Jay found the man responsible, all he could see was red.

He wasn't looking forward to Will finding out he got shot in the process of catching the man who killed their dad. He objected to going to Med. After his talk with Voight about the matter, he found himself at home, ready to down a case of beer to mute his sorrows.

That's when Will all but broke in.

Granted, his younger brother had a key to his apartment, but that didn't matter. Somehow, through the grapevine, Will found out that Jay got shot and refused medical care and decided to show up.

To say the doctor was pissed off would be an understatement.

Will stitched up his brother on the couch. His personal medical kit lay strewn about, items spread here and there as he slowly closed the wound. He wasn't gentle about it, either.

"How could you be so stupid?" mutter Will.

Jay, laying on his couch with one arm slung over his eyes, scoffed at Will's question. "He killed dad. I did what I had to."

And that was true. Whether it be for his family, for his brothers and sisters in the Army, or for Intelligence, Jay had a habit of doing what needed to be done, when it needed to be done, consequences be damned. This moment was no different.

"You could've died," said Will as he taped gauze in place.

"I didn't,"

"But you could have!"

Jay remembered this conversation like it happened only moments ago. He could see how red Will's face turned, threatening to match his red hair. But it was the way his brother spoke that sent chills down his spine.

"You could have died, Jay. I get your job is dangerous, I get that, I do. I made peace with that when you joined the Army and I made peace with it when you joined CPD. But," Will stopped, brought his shaking hand down the stubble on his face. "How do you think I'd feel if I lost my father _and_ my brother so close together? Did you ever consider that?"

Will left Jay there on the couch. He didn't come back. The next time they saw each other was when they went to clean out their father's apartment. Words weren't spoken, but both men knew.

_I've got you, brother._

#

Jay remained semi-conscious for the entire ride to Med. Hailey continued to talk to him, begged him to stay awake, to hang on. He listened, but damn it was so hard. Every single time he zoned out, every single time he nearly found himself back in that desert, he was brought back to Chicago. The words the medic spoke were jumbled, but Hailey's were clear.

"Hang on," and "you're gonna be fine," and "we're almost there," and "stay with me," danced around his aching head. His breathing was slower, he realized, even with the oxygen mask over his face. It was supposed to help him, but it appeared to make breathing that much harder. His attempts resembled a shudder, and for the first time, Jay realized how cold he was.

"JT?"

He coughed, not sure if the name left his mouth. Pain racked his body. First in his head, then his chest, followed by the rest of whatever injuries he sustained. Jay let his eyes slip shut, just for a moment. And in that moment, he saw JT. He saw buddies from his Ranger days, from his early days as an officer for the Chicago Police Department. People who have helped him become the man he was. A son, brother, soldier, cop.

He saw it all.

They say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die. Jay has come close to death a few times, but he doesn't remember this happening before. He was always in the moment, whether it be lying in the dusty mountains of a hostile country, or on the streets of Chicago.

This? This was different.

"Stay with me,"

JT?

No.

Hailey.

"Hai-"

_Hailey… I can't._

That's what he wanted to say. Even as he felt the world slow, even as he was wheeled out of the ambulance and into Med, even as he fought and fought and fought to hang on, he just couldn't. Not any more.

Maybe this was it. Maybe this was how it ended for him

Jay only wished he could tell Hailey he tried. He wanted her to know that he tried to make things right, even after he made so many wrongs. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to do. Could she ever forgive him?

Darkness encroached around his vision, the act of staying awake becoming too hard for him to fight any longer. For a moment, he swore he heard Will's voice too, barely breaking through the black. Dear God... his younger brother. Jay hoped Will would understand. Surely the team would be there for him. Hailey and Will's paths hardly crossed, so maybe this would be what brings them together?

_It's okay._

That's what he wants them to know. It was going to be okay, even when it wasn't.


	6. Expectations

Something startled Hailey, but she wasn't sure what it could have been. Years on the job kept her senses sharp, now even more so as she sat vigil by her partner's side. Out of habit she reached for her weapon, but her hand never came in contact with the familiar shape that was often attached to her hip. It was at that moment when her senses began to clear, though she couldn't bring herself to relax.

"Still here?"

Hailey blinked hard a few times, brought a hand up to rub her tired eyes, the last few sleepless hours weighing her down like cement. Her body struggled to keep up with her mind; one wanted rest, while the other needed reassurances that Jay would be okay. It was war and it was draining.

How did she even get to this point?

After Dr. Marcel rushed Halstead back into surgery, Upton spent time pacing outside in the fresh air and the halls of the ICU, just waiting and waiting for them to wheel him back to his room. If - _when_ \- that happened, then he still had a chance at pulling through. But as the hours ticked on, what little hope Hailey built up dwindled until there was but a thin line. It took a lot of strength to believe, strength she didn't have much of.

Will encouraged her to go home, more than once if Hailey remembered correctly. He told her to rest while she could. There was no telling how long Jay would be under the knife this time. That was likely a wise move, but it was a move Hailey could not bring herself to make. Not being there for Jay was something she physically couldn't do. And if something happened, and she wasn't there… she knew she'd never forgive herself.

So, she waited.

She waited until a nurse came and got her from whatever dark hole she found to hide in. Surprised that it wasn't Will bringing news, Hailey forced her legs to carry her back to Jay's room. At that point, she had managed to hold onto that small line of hope, unsure what state of being Jay would be in when she arrived. And as her tired eyes adjusted to the low lights in the room, Hailey let out a shaky breath.

The first thing she noticed was how Jay was no longer intubated. Will mentioned before that his brother's breathing had improved enough to take him off the vent, but the detective still needed help in that regard. A mask was fitted over his nose and mouth, which fogged up in slow, rhythmic beats. She wasn't positive, but with the dim lighting, it appeared Jay's color had begun to return. The dark bruises on his face stuck out against his skin and the bedding, but still slightly less than when he was first brought in. Was he still that pale? Or, was this her imagination playing tricks on her weary mind? Hailey wasn't too sure about anything anymore.

After taking it all in, after double and triple checking that Jay was alive, she settled into a chair by his bedside and waited once more.

Hailey watched Jay for a few seconds. It may have been longer, not that it mattered. She watched the rise and fall of his chest, the way his good eye would twitch every now and then. His left arm was resting across his waist. She could see the pile of thick bandages that covered the bullet wound on his shoulder. His head, heavily bandaged, was angled down slightly on the pillow so she couldn't see the wound on the back. Her stomach turned at the thought of how much blood was on Angela's floor.

Jay's blood.

How much was on his shirt.

How much was on her clothes.

Hailey listened to the machines, the hums and hisses, the subtle signals that they were doing their intended jobs. It was just enough to get her to relax and settle into the chair. Eventually, she drifted off.

The first time something pulled her awake, was when a nurse came in to check and change Jay's bandages. He offered the detective a caring smile and went about his business before leaving without a word. Hailey couldn't relax after that and watched as someone dumped the trash an hour later. Dr. Marcel arrived to check Jay's stats an hour after that.

He's holding on, the doctor told her before leaving. That's information she held on to like a lifeline.

The second time something woke Hailey was when one of the machines Jay was hooked up too beeped a little bit faster. Hailey was on the edge of her seat in an instant, alert, ready to call someone to help. She looked Jay up and down, tried to locate what was amiss and would cause the machines to change as they did, but everything looked the same.

When she first heard Jay mumble something, Hailey didn't understand. She listened closely as the words - names? - were repeated again and again in a low, broken voice. Names she didn't recognize. After a minute, the beeping went back to normal and Jay went quiet, the pained lines on his face receding as he fell into the black.

Hailey didn't think much of it until Will appeared in the doorway some time later. It took the detective a moment to realize the younger Halstead was even there at all, having blanked on what he apparently said upon his arrival.

"Sorry, what?"

She watched Will step into the room and look at his brother. "Just noticed you're still here is all."

"Yeah," Hailey replied as she stood and stretched her legs. "Don't want him to wake up alone, you know?"

"That's my brother. He'll face wars and gangs, but he can't stand being in a hospital," Will said.

Hailey chuckled at that, knowing how much truth laid in Jay's hatred for the very place his brother worked. "True, true."

"Maybe that's why we don't hang out much, since I spend most of my time here."

Hailey shook her head, stopping the other Halstead from going down a rabbit hole of despair and regret. "Don't do that, Will."

"I know, I know. It's just hard, seeing him like this."

"Yeah," said Hailey. "Hey, Will?"

"Hm?"

"Just now," she paused, attempting to find the right words. "I mean before you got here, Jay mumbled something."

"He did?" said Will as he scanned the monitors and Jay's chart. "He woke up? What'd he say?"

"No, he didn't really wake up. I think it was a name. JT?" Hailey said. "And on the ride here, when he was in and out of consciousness, I think he thought he was back with the Rangers."

Will nodded as he shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. "Head injuries are tricky, unpredictable. It's possible he thought he was back in Afghanistan, maybe relived missions or something with guys he served with."

"Damn," Hailey shook her head. "He ever mention a JT before?"

"He only talked about his Ranger days if you got him drunk enough. And since he knows his limits," Will said as he rolled his stiff neck. "He doesn't like to talk about it. Not to me, anyway."

"Right."

Hailey knew that Jay's time in the Army was a subject he didn't like to talk about for many reasons. He'd made passing comments about his troubles sleeping, and while she was no expert, she's pretty sure he still suffers from some sort of Post-Traumatic Stress. He been to therapy before, mentioned it helped to talk about what happened over there, but that seemed like forever ago. Would this latest traumatic event break Halstead's dam? Would Jay reach his breaking point? Hailey didn't know, if that were to happen, how she would help her partner. She didn't know if she could, and that scared her.

"Go home, Hailey."

"No, I-" surprised at Will's comment, Hailey tried to think of all the reasons why she couldn't leave Jay's side. Reasons why it was better that she stayed, instead of going home, like most everyone was telling her. "I can't." was all she could manage.

"Yes, you can. Jay wouldn't want you sitting here, not getting sleep, on his behalf," the doctor said. "When was the last time you ate a real meal? Drank water?"

"Will-"

"I'll be here. Jay won't be alone," Will placed a comforting hand on the detective's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. "I have your number. I promise I'll call if there are any changes, okay?"

It was a question, but Hailey felt as though she didn't have a say in the matter. Sure, she could threaten Will, but what good would that do? She knew the Halstead brothers are close and she couldn't bring herself to stand in Will's way of spending time alone with Jay, either.

"Okay," she finally said. "I'll be back soon."

Knowing Jay was still alive, knowing Will would watch over him, Hailey glanced at her partner one more time before she made her way out of the ICU room and out of the hospital.

#

Hailey asked for a ride back to her place. Thankfully, Vanessa didn't bombard Hailey with dozens of questions when the other woman got into the car. A simple look was all it took, to which Upton replied, "He's hanging on."

Vanessa drove wordless to Hailey's home. Before they arrived, she offered to grab a pizza or soup, to which Hailey declined. She only wanted a shower and a fresh change of clothes, then she'd head back up to the hospital. Maybe some water would be good, too. She thanked Rojas, and headed inside, intent on grabbing a rideshare back to Med.

It didn't take long for the shower tap to be turned on full blast, as hot as Hailey could stand. The bathroom fogged up within seconds and the mirror she stood in front of slowly began to obscure her reflection. She noticed the tired and bloodshot eyes, the wrinkled clothes. It was the red stains in the ends of her hair that gave her pause.

Hailey grabbed the ends with her left hand, felt the dried blood between her fingers. Tears welled in her eyes at the realization that, somehow, Jay's blood managed to get in her hair. Could it have occurred as she was trying to stop the bleeding when she first found him? Or in the ambulance as she held the soaked gauze to his head while the paramedic prepped more? Maybe she brushed her hair back absentmindedly before she had a chance to wash her hands… there was no way to know. But the fact that it was there made her stomach turn again.

Upton dumped her clothes on the floor and stepped into the spray. The shampoo was in her hair before she was fully wet. She scrubbed that one spot until she was sure she split the ends themselves, and after that she stood under the spray until she couldn't stand the heat anymore.

She dried off and changed in slow, methodical motions. She managed to fill a glass of water from the kitchen sink, and drank the entire thing. Hailey then pulled out her phone to order a ride to Med, but as soon as she sat down on her couch, the rest she needed pulled at her.

Sure she'd only sleep a few minutes, she laid down and closed her still wet eyes, and fell into a dreamless rest.

#

When Hailey woke up, the first thing she noticed was that it was lighter outside, pushing dawn or so. It was night when she arrived at her place, wasn't it? So it can't have been that long since she dozed off. The detective wasn't surprised at how hard it was keeping time straight as she spent all of her time at the hospital. Wanting to double check the day and time, she reached for her phone, only to see a terrifying sight.

Five missed calls.

Ten unread text messages.

All from Will Halstead.

Hailey's heart began to race as she read all of the messages, then listened to the voicemails. There were no details given; only the simple "call me when you can", but said various ways. She couldn't even tell if what Will had to say was good news of bad news, as the doctor kept all emotional tells from his voice. The uncertainty was thick in the air, so Hailey pulled up Will's contact and pressed the small phone symbol. She waited for him to answer.

On the third ring, the line clicked.

"Will?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings to all who are still following my *small* fix-it fic. Had some renewed inspiration this last week, some encouragement too, and I'm binge watching One Chicago so I keep finding new things I want to cover. Such as, I forgot that Jay actually went to therapy. That'll be important going forward... maybe... *sly grin*


	7. Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greeting, all! First off, thank you thank you thank you for all of the lovely comments. You blew me away, and definitely put me in a better mood. I'm glad you reading my Alt-fic helps as much as my writing it does for me. :)
> 
> And as I'm still upset that I never got my dose of solid Halstead Brothers content, here, have some brotherly angst. *hides behind table*

It had been an intense few hours for Will, he knew it, but he wasn't ready to face the inevitable crash that was careening toward him. Maybe if he closed his eyes. He tried that and quickly realized he couldn't get past all that he felt, hoping, wondering, praying for his brother to be okay.

Oh, God. Jay.

Flashes of Jay being rushed through the ED hit him without warning. Images of his brother on the OR table, all too pale, with puddles of blood staining the floor. His medical knowledge and understandings of the situation made things worse and he had a hard time not thinking of all that could go wrong and how it could go wrong. He couldn't deal with what such a short amount of time had given him, and now his mind and body were paying the price for it.

He felt as though he had run a marathon at a million miles an hour. And while that analogy made little sense if spoken aloud, it was an accurate description to how he felt on the inside. The tiredness was well past his muscles and sat deep in his bones, draining. He's seen life fade from people who died before his eyes, and he couldn't help but wonder if that feeling was the same as this. He wondered if this was what Jay was fighting against since that woman tried to kill him just hours ago.

Had it only been hours since the detective, covered in blood, was wheeled through the very emergency department where Will worked?

When was the last time he talked to Jay? Actually talked to him?

When was the last time they hung out? Or had a conversation about normal life, not a case or patient or some other nonsense?

Guilt filled his stomach as he realized that he didn't have an answer to any of those simple questions. Will just wasn't sure of anything anymore, and that scared him.

After bouncing between trying, and failing, to be there for Jay as a doctor, he turned his attention to being there for him as a brother. He made the mistake of watching the surgery, and paid for it when Jay's vitals tanked before his very tired eyes. No one should witness something so horrible, and yet, Will placed himself front and center.

Things seemed to be better once Jay was placed in an ICU room after surgery, though he slipped into a coma as his body fought to endure the trauma that it was put through. He was stable, recovering. Then he just… wasn't.

Jay just had to give everyone a heart attack when his stats dropped without warning. There was bleeding in his chest near the artery that was damaged and just like that, he was back under the knife. Or maybe it was his lungs that caused more problems because they took him off of the vent too early. Either way, Will had a hard time keeping the facts Marcel told him straight in his head, but he managed to do just that when he gave Intelligence updates. He owed them that much.

But now that he was alone?

While the Halstead brothers didn't talk very often, Will quickly caught on that Jay and his partner, Hailey, were close. He could only assume but just how close remained to be seen. Was a repeat of what happened with Erin on the horizon? Will didn't think he could stand to watch Jay to go through that kind of pain again.

Regardless of what may or may not happen, Will gave the other detective some space to visit Jay by herself. Goodwin was nice and told him to take whatever time he needed off, so he could be there for his brother and whatever outcome may follow, to which he took without hesitation.

But actually leaving Med turned out to be harder than he thought it would be. Deep down, he didn't want to leave Jay. He didn't want to face a repeat of what happened with their dad. Will knew he wouldn't be able to face that if it happened. Which is why it basically took the entire ED staff to get him to go home. Once he was out of the hospital, once he was home…

Will lost it.

He threw his bag across the room. A ceramic lamp was clipped and went crashing down to the ground, shattering upon impact. Anything Will could get his hands on was fair game; dishes, pieces of furniture, fruit he probably wasn't going to eat anyway. A mug one of his one night stands gave him left a hole in the wall by the TV. It had a stethoscope on it. He didn't care. Will only slowed when he grabbed a picture off the wall, stopping short of throwing it at the window.

It was one some random person took of them at a Cubs game not long after he'd arrived back in Chicago, what, decades ago? No, that was impossible, but the feeling remained the same. They were smiling, clad in Cubs gear, with empty cups of beer or whatever that drank that evening still in their hands as they seemingly toasted the air itself. Jay had a goofy grin on his face and Will wasn't even looking at the camera. His head was tilted back as he laughed, probably at some lame joke Jay told.

Jay insisted on getting it framed for them both, to which Will objected. A bet was made, more alcohol was consumed and ultimately, the younger Halstead lost. And the rest was history.

Damn, Will thought. Oh, how he wished he could remember more of that night. He wished he and Jay hung out more, but their respective schedules made that nearly impossible. He wished Jay wasn't so caring, and he wished Jay didn't have such a big heart, and he wished Jay wasn't fighting to survive and he wished more and more, but nothing changed.

Will sighed, set the photo on the counter amongst the mess he just made, walked to his room and disregarded the glass that crunched beneath his shoes.

* * *

Although he was ready to go back to the hospital after he showered and changed out of his scrubs, Will forced himself to wait a little while longer. Out of respect? Maybe. He wasn't ready to fully chalk it up to that just yet, but he did want to give Hailey the time she needed and wanted, if only slightly at this point. There was no way to predict the outcome surrounding Jay, which scared him the longer he thought about it. If this was the end, God forbid, she deserved it.

The mess he made was staring back at him, taunting him with a silence that was deafening. When his heart began to race in a panic over all that had happened so far, Will soon found himself sitting in a corner by his bedroom window. He ran his hands through his hair, then down his face, before they fell to the floor with a muted thud.

Chicago life was still bustling at this point. Cars drove by, and Will could easily imagine where those people were going, unaware of what he was going through. He would be out there, living life, had this been a normal day, but it was. Not even a little bit.

Only a couple of minutes had passed before Will's panic began to subside, but that anxiety was still present as he grabbed his wallet and a jacket from the back of a chair. He walked through his mess once more, went through his cabinets and drawers as he packed a bag of essentials. The doctor knew the routine, realized he could be by Jay's bedside for days or weeks.

Or not at all, he thinks, unable to not consider the fact his brother may already be gone by the time he gets back.

It seemed as though he arrived at the hospital in the blink of an eye, but again, that was impossible. What wasn't impossible, Will realized, was him zoning out during the drive back to Med.

Would Will be preparing for the funeral of the only family member he has left? Would the 21st take care of everything? What about the Army? How would that work?

Would Will have lengthy conversations with therapists about plans going forward? What about psychological recovery? Would Jay be willing to talk to someone about all he went through?

Would Jay be medically retired?

Would Jay survive the injuries, only to succumb to life on the outside?

The only thing that drew Will was his thoughts was seeing Hailey as she sat by Jay's bedside. He couldn't help but smile at that, knowing his brother was well looked after, in more than one way.

"Still here?"

Will didn't miss the way Hailey jumped, or how zoned out she appeared. It took a few seconds for her to realize he had asked a question, to which he repeated.

They talked for a little, then fell into silence. When Hailey mentioned that Jay mumbled something, a name, an ember of hope rose in his chest.

"He ever mention a JT before?" asked Hailey.

Will tried, and failed, many times in the past when trying to get Jay to talk about his time in the Army. He stopped asking, but kept an eye out for warning signs regardless. He knew his brother suffered from PTS on some level, but he couldn't tell how severe. That was outside his wheelhouse.

He mentioned this to Hailey, and that was the end of that conversation. He waited a beat, looked at the detective, then said, "Go home, Hailey."

Will knew she'd argue with him on this. Maybe that's why she and Jay got along so well. He listened as Hailey tried to come up with reasons why she needed to say, all valid points, Will agreed. Reasons he would give himself, if their roles were reversed.

The doctor told the detective he would be there, reassuring her with a gentle squeeze of her shoulder. He promised that he would call, if and when there are any changes.

* * *

After Hailey left, Will dropped his bag nearby and went over to Jay's monitors. He tried to talk himself out of reading the chart, too, but that did no good. After reading and rereading those, he was convinced Jay was stable.

Settling into a chair, Will pulled out his tablet, intent on reading up on some medical journals to pass the time. He, somehow, managed to focus on an entire paragraph before the words blurred and a headache began to form. He looked up at Jay, saw he was still in the same position he was when Will arrived only a few minutes ago.

It didn't take long for Will to realize he wouldn't be able to focus on anything right now. Not when his brother was fighting for his life less than an arms length away. He set the tablet on the table, sat back in the chair, and just watched.

He wasn't paying attention to anything particular, per se. As a doctor, he was trained to notice things that may save a patient's life down the road. As a brother, however, Will could only focus on the rise and fall of his brother's chest. How the many machines Jay was hooked up to held a steady beep or hiss. Those things kept him grounded.

Time ticked on at a slow pace. Dr. Marcel stopped by at some point to see how Jay was doing, but also to check up on Will. Dr. Halstead gave generic answers to generic questions, and soon, the other man was gone.

Will must have fallen asleep at some point after that, because next thing he knew, Jay's voice echoed in his ears. When he opened his eyes, Will noticed Jay's head was now turned toward him. That was definitely not how he left his brother when he closed his eyes.

The detective's brow was furrowed in pain, which caused the bruise around his left eye to look worse, darker and more swollen. Jay's lips were pressed in a tight line as he struggled to breath. He gritted his teeth, Will noticed, as he mumbled through the pain.

"Jay? Jay, can you hear me?" Will spoke in a soft voice in an attempt to get through the fog his brother was caught in. "Jay?"

"JT. JT, you're… gonna…" Jay continued to mumble. "You're gonna… be… you're…"

"Jay, buddy, talk to me. C'mon, brother, wake up. Please?"

Will's finger hovered over the call button. Hell, he could just yell and someone would come running in a heartbeat. But he wanted, needed, this time. He could tell Jay was close to waking up, his brother just needed some help.

"Jay?"

Slowly, so very slowly, the pained lines on Jay's face lessened. The heart rate monitor, Will just now noticed, slowly evened out, as did Jay's breathing.

"Jay? Can you hear me?" Will asked again.

This time, Jay opened his eyes.

"Jay, oh thank God."

The relief the younger Halstead felt was immense, but that joy was shattered when his brother, in a confused and broken voice, spoke next.

"W-who," there was a long, long pause. Then, "who... a-are you?"

* * *

Will was kicked out of Jay's room immediately. How did the staff know they were needed at that moment? Did he press the call button? Did he yell in confusion? Did he do something to get someone's attention upon Jay not recognizing his own brother? Will had no idea.

He sent Hailey a series of text messages in a short span of time. Ten to be exact. He waited, but got no reply. Resorting to calling her, Will nearly threw his phone across the ICU wing when he failed to reach the detective after the fifth call.

The anxiety was building once more as he paced back and forth in front of Jay's closed off room. He could imagine what was going on, because he has been on the other side of those doors time and time again. Being on this side, however, was no fun.

His mind wandered into a dark hole of questions when the phone in his hand rang. Will read the caller ID. Hailey Upton.

Oh, shit.

His heart dropped.

What was he supposed to say?

He answered on the third ring.


	8. Awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: *waves* 'Ello!

Hailey was certain she broke every Chicago traffic law, original and revised, as she sped back to Med. She could hear the curses from the drivers she cut off, the shouts from the few pedestrians she blew past. Or at least she imagined she heard them. Maybe.

By the time she got back to Med, by the time she made it up to the floor she'd needed and the all too familiar room, she was breathless. Hailey used the wall to her left for support as she exited the stairwell and stepped into the open area. The sight before her didn't help her uneasiness, either.

Dr. Marcel was conversing with another doctor. Hailey couldn't see his full profile and wasn't certain if she'd met him before. If she had, would she remember? The last few hours had been a whirlwind, let alone the amount of time that had passed since this living nightmare began. She needed answers, and she needed them now.

"Hailey,"

Upton turned at the sound of her name and was welcomed with the sight of a disheveled Will. His red hair was sticking up at odd angles. He was leaning against a nearby wall, his right arm wrapped around his waist and the other was limp by his side, his left hand tapping against his left leg. A nervous tick, Hailey noted.

"Will. I'm sorry I missed your calls, I got here as quick as I could," said Hailey as she walked over to join the doctor. "W-what's going on? Who's that with Dr. Marcel?"

"That's Sam," Will replied, his voice holding a bit of a questioning tone. "Neurologist?"

"A neurologist? What the hell happened, Will. What aren't you telling me?" Hailey was getting nervous herself. She turned toward Jay's room again, tried to work out what was being said. "Will?"

"Jay," Will said as he rubbed the stubble on his face. "Jay woke up, not all that long ago. He… he woke up and…"

She started to say something along the lines of "that's great" or "I'm glad to hear that" or "okay, let's go see him" but the look on Will's face, the amount of varying emotions pouring off the red-head was enough for Hailey to bring a hand up to her face and pause. "Will, what happened?"

"He looked right at me and," Will's eyes met Hailey's. Tears were welling as he said, "he didn't even recognize me."

"W-what? No, no, that," Hailey took a step back as she tried to process the news. "That's not-" 

"He looked right at me, Hailey. It was like I was a stranger to him,"

Hailey listened as Will filled her in on what happened between the short time Jay woke up to the time he finally got a hold of the detective. How the staff all but physically pulled him from his brother's side, how he nearly had a breakdown when he saw Sam enter Jay's room, because that would surely come with more bad news. By the time he was finished, Hailey had to take a seat in a nearby chair.

"So, what does this mean? What have they said?" she asked. "Have they told you _anything_?"

"No, they've been in there since I called you."

Silence loomed over the two and the busyness of the floor faded into the background. Hailey watched Will as he paced back and forth, the way he always glanced toward Jay's room whenever he made his turn around. Hailey herself remained seated for as long as she could. Her legs bounced in place, she wrung her fingers and hands until she felt them drying from the consistent motion. Eventually her uneasiness grew and she stood, needing to move her entire body as she continued to play the waiting game.

She wanted to go for a walk. Around the entire floor, up and down the stairs mindlessly, anything to keep herself from staring and burning holes through the walls and floors of Med itself. She needed to get out, to not think about this turn of events, of how Jay may or may not be. But Hailey couldn't bring herself to do that.

Hailey considered updating the team about Jay's status, but she didn't know what to tell them. Yeah, he woke up, but she didn't know in what condition her partner was. Not knowing was an awful thing to face and she didn't feel like fielding questions from the others just yet. So, she would wait until she had more information to give.

"Sam,"

Hailey turned around, watched Will nearly run into the two doctors as they exited Jay's room. She hung back, keeping in mind the boundaries that lay before her. Only after Will noticed her hanging back did he motion for her to stand by his side.

"Well?"

Hailey was an excellent detective. Years of hard work, sacrifices, blood, sweat and tears were ingrained into the badge she wore daily. But reading the body language of the doctors before her was an impossible task at the present moment.

Dr. Marcel spoke first, updated them on how Jay was healing, even in the relatively short amount of time. The surgeries to repair the artery in his chest were holding well, and there had been no indications that other problems would arise in the future, though he would continue to be monitored closely as there as no real way to predict any problems arising.

His head would, however, was another story. From what Hailey could understand, his memory loss was not surprising. Amnesia of some level or grade or however they determine things like that. That was the word they kept tossing about. More tests would need to be conducted, scans taken and whatnot, before Sam or Crockett could determine if it were a short or long term problem. She would have to ask Will for clarification on some of the things she heard, if but only for her peace of mind.

"Now, the good news is," Dr. Marcel began. "That Detective Halstead remembered things like his name, where he was, what state he lived in, his occupation-"

"Just not his own brother," muttered Will.

"No." said Sam. "Brain injuries can be tricky and we just don't have enough information right now. I really shouldn't even give you that, but I know how important family is to you, Will."

"Thanks, Sam,"

"We're going to get those scans ordered, get him prepped here soon," said Crockett. "If you two want to go say hi before the nurses get to work, you best make it quick."

#

"I can't do it,"

Hailey looked over at Will, surprised. They were standing close to the nurses station, out of sight of Jay's room but close enough to where they could get there quickly. After Sam and Crockett left to tend to other matters, the doctor and detective were left alone to ponder over the new information they had.

Amnesia.

Oh... shit.

Hailey didn't get her hopes up for many reasons, because she first needed Jay to survive this hell he was currently facing. She told herself that she would find a way to deal with what may come from the aftermath of it all later. But _later_ was _now_ , and she didn't know what to do.

Jay found a way to pull through, though the cost of doing so remained to be seen. She considered the fact that she should think of all the scenarios they could possibly face, but what good would that actually do? For her or anyone else? Especially for Jay. There was just so much to think about and her tired brain couldn't decide on where to actually start.

Which was why Will's sudden outburst caught her by surprise.

"I can't go in there and... and go through that again,"

Hailey sighed and tried to think of something helpful to say. "Will-"

"I-I've dealt with losing both of my parents, and that was hard. I've nearly lost Jay more times than I can count, when he was in the Army and here as a cop, but... looking at him now, and," Will said as he stopped short as his words caught in his chest. "And looking right at him but he, he didn't even-"

"Breathe, Will, breathe," Hailey waited a few seconds while the doctor slowed his breathing to a reasonable rhythm. "You can't think about that right now,"

"I just don't know what I'll do if I lose him," said Will. "I can't lose him, too. Not like this, I can't."

"I know. But Jay needs you, okay?"

They walked closer to Jay's room and peered in. There weren't any nurses yet, which meant they still had a little bit of time before he was taken away for more tests. It was now or never.

"Hailey?"

"Hm?"

"Will you," began the doctor. "Will you come with me? Please?"

Her answer wasn't even one she had to consider. "Of course."

The machines hooked up to the detective were beeping steadily. The man in the bed wasn't as pale as he was before, no longer resembled the same sheets that were bunched around his waist as his color slowly returned. His left arm was resting on his stomach, bandaged shoulder peeking out from under his hospital gown.

Jay's eyes were closed, and his head was turned to the left side, but as soon as Will and Hailey entered the room, that changed. They watched him slowly turn his head and slowly open his eyes. The three people stared at each other before someone finally broke the thick silence.

"Hey," Hailey said as she took a small step forward. Will had yet to make the same effort, so she continued. "How are you feeling?"

Hailey, for a split second, considered introducing herself before she asked any questions, wanting to avoid the same emotions Will was facing right now, but she didn't. She wished she did, but there was no changing the past.

"I'm," Jay said in a low and raspy voice as he looked at her with tired eyes. It appeared he was going to say something else to her, but Hailey watched his eyes land on something else. "W-Will…?"

In the time she's known the Halstead brothers, there was no denying how close they were. They often helped each other with cases, hung out and watched hockey or the Bulls (when their off days allow for such things) and bickered about whatever seemed interesting enough to annoy the other brother about. She knew this. So when she saw Will's shoulders relax at Jay's mention of his name, Hailey couldn't help but feel a sense of relief.

"Yeah, that's right,"

Jay pursed his cracked lips. "Those doctors," he said. "That's what they called you,"

And just like that, the relief and hope, was shattered.

Will stuttered but recovered quickly. "Yeah, um, we're-"

"Excuse us. We need to get the detective ready for his tests," a tall nurse said as he entered the room.

Hailey nodded as she gently grabbed Will's arm. They stepped out of the nurses way as they worked on getting Jay ready for his tests. She wondered what kind of tests her partner had to face this time, wondered if it was going to take a long time. Would this lead to the answers they needed? Would they be one step closer to helping Jay recover?

Hailey wanted to follow them. She could tell by Will's body language that he wanted the same thing. Could they even go with him? Did Jay even want them to? There was a hint of familiarity hidden deep behind his eyes, but there was no way to tell for certain.

"Someone will let you know when the tests are finished and when he's settled back into his room," one of the nurses said as Jay was wheeled out from their view.

Hailey watched, just as she had ever since the beginning of this roller-coaster ride. She watched until there was nothing and no one left to watch. Will was there, and he did much of the same.

Now, she waited.

Again.

Except this time, she wasn't alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: *waves* Bye-bye!

**Author's Note:**

> There *could* be a second part if 7x10 doesn't fill my strong desire for solid hospital scenes and Will and Jay scenes. We'll jump off that bridge when we get there.


End file.
